May 08, 2007 03:06 AM
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Paan khaaye saiyan hamaaro
*Paan khaaye saiyan hamaaro
*Karnal ke kutte pe cheent lal lal
*Paan khaaye saiyan hamaaro
Er…wasn’t it Karnal ka KOOTTA.? Maybe it was a ‘female’ kootta then!(kutiya sounds horrible, demeaning and denigrating to the whole dog community – so I am not using it)
*Paan:** A paan – Indian mouth freshener made from deep green heart shaped leaves having a liberal filling of all sorts of wonderful condiments. After a mouthful, your speech may change drastically(Queen of Hearts sounds as *kuing of aarse* love our life may sound as *lubb your wife* – whatever that means). So beware. Among other interesting side effects of this magical morsel is the irrepressible desire to shoot your slobber around, the higher and the farther the spatter, the greater is the satisfaction quotient generated.
The practice of chewing of paan has a rich and colourful history. Its basic kinky quality was best described in the Kamasutra of Vatsyayana *“After cleaning the teeth and having looked into the mirror and having eaten a tambula to render fragrance to the mouth, should a person start his day’s work”.
What Vatsyayana actually meant by ‘starting a day’s work’ is really anybody’s guess. Moreover, in those days of glorious liberation, ‘day’s work’ didn’t have to wait for night! I guess Vatsyayana must have shown his 32 and winked hard at his students while mouthing this verse! Also, it is widely believed that the more red your tongue gets stained after chewing a *beeda*, the more you are loved(or is it lusted really?) by your lover. Alas Linda Goodman never had a paan or else she’d have promptly written a bestseller on ‘Linda Goodman’s Tongue-in-cheek Love Signs’.
And there are many ways of presenting a paan. Here in Jaipur, paanwallas usually take a position almost like swimmers ready to take the dive, and when you are really at your inattentive best, one actually dives forth in typical Rajasthani style and stops holding the paan in folded hands within inches of your nostrils. Height of traditionalism. When it happened to me for the first time I almost felt as it I was being attacked with a paan.
So, quite naturally, a mouthshuttian study had become terribly necessary to dispel myths, and more importantly, to frame a set of rules for paan chewing. Since most of the leading researchers in MS were heavily occupied with determining the exact duration of mating calls of adolescent tree frogs, the onus(I said onus) of this research automatically descended upon my shoulders. So here I am, with my findings begging for your fertile attention.
*Rule No. 1 – A Paan A Day Drives Your Blues Away*
What MS badly needs today is a paan for everybody(no paan intended). Paan is said to cure digestive disorders. Disorders which otherwise cause constipation leading to excess of pongy ideas within the cranium which then find a way out by means of earth shaking intellectual farts. Intellectual farts smell awful. And they also stain your psyche’s(I said psyche’s, not psyxx’s) undergarments. So to avoid such disasters, have some paan. And see the world change around you.
*Rule No. 2 – A Paan A Day summons The Dentist Straightaway.*
Rule No. 1 is just for amusing you. Don’t really take that seriously. While paan may really put an end to bad blood between battling bandicoots, regular intake will give you a bad breath and teeth like Miss Palampur’s freshly laid manicure(or is it manure?). Teeth may also demand an early plebiscite to break free and your gummy will resemble a well trampled lunar surface with loads of smelly-shit transported from Pinjrapole Gaushaala.
*Rule No. 3 – Enjoy the juices leisurely*
Paan is not your Bandra ka vada pao which you would gulp down with gusto. The delicate flavours of a well made paan are released slowly and sensuously. So place it in one extreme corner of your mouth(don’t push it down – or your balls, I mean eyeballs will pop out, therefore push sideways) and oooooooh aaaaaaaah let the juices flow. Masticate leisurely *(masticate= the exquisitely pleasurable action of chewing slowly with eyes half closed and with a grinding, cow like action of the jaws; not at all to be confused with all other exquisitely pleasurable actions beginning with ‘mast’ and ending with ‘ate’)*. Now let the juices and the sweetness dissolve thoroughly in your soul and stir up corny love songs of Jeetendra - Sridevi - Jayaprada films.(Tohfa –tohfa –tohfa-…….Laaya – laaya – laaya….)
*Rule No. 4 – Peek around with care. *
You may need to poop some of your saliva from time to time to be able to breathe, speak or survive, so always keep your eyes open for appropriate places to have that proverbial leak. Your neighbours car(near the rear door handle), their potted plant across the balcony, or his white Amul Macho underwear drying on a line may challenge you if you are an expert slobber thrower. Else, just spread your legs widely, do a dead drop straight down and walk off. Of course check your pants and your wife’s(or girlfriend’s) saree/ salwar / jeans to ensure that your colourful shot did not land there. You know, some very uncomfortable questions may follow afterwards if this precaution is messed with.
*Rule No. 5 – Mardaa.No zarda please.*
Or Zafrani patti or tobacco in any form. If you need a high, here’s a practical and very safe suggestion. Just ask someone to kick your butt(er) really hard. 100% successful method with results guaranteed. At any given time there will be atleast 10 people around you happily willing to give your butt(er) a resounding boot(personal experience). At least it will spare your mouth from the risk of ever having a dreaded disease beginning with a C! Paan and tobacco is a deadly combination, literally!
So go ahead and enjoy your bite. If you wish to have your paan and eat it too, just ask the paanwallah to cut that big kalkatta patta into two and rape(wrap….still not out of that awful “English’ hangover) one piece in cellophane. And don’t forget to ask for extra gulkand, tutty-fruity, mishri and elaychi; after all your paan is nothing less than Woodward’s Gripewater for the soul!
*Enjoy!*
