Desire in slow motion. Review on Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna

Think ‘extramarital affair’ and the images that dance in your mind are dangerously exciting, with scarlet hued edges. Secret meetings, red roses, sweet temptation, black inky nights, white satin sheets. A man and a woman who break the traditional norms of society and silently bond in a liaison which would be kept under wraps – so far so good. The moment the secret is out – watch out! Explosive scenes, tears, betrayal, guilt all ending up in theEND – end of affair or end of marriage, whatever.

But Karan Johar does not think so. According to him, an affair can be as boring as yesterday’s newspaper – What a mercy he did not make the lead pair yawn in each other’s faces.

Dev(Shah rukh Khan) and Maya(Rani Mukherjee) have unhappy marriages.  They feel bored, neglected and misunderstood –all of that even when their respective partners are so obviously caring, loving and attentive. No problem. I am not going to get on my high horse and judge them(Have I, already? Well, too late).  They wish they had happier marriages – in fact that’s all they think about all day. Their careers or their responsibilities don’t seem to occupy their minds much. Now don’t remind me that SRK could not play football because he broke his leg – Why should that stop him from pursuing some other career?

So they meet each other and discuss for hours how to make their marriages work. The geniuses that they are, they hit upon the idea of a sado-masochism routine for Rishi(Abhishek Bachchan) and a massage therapy for Ria(Preity Zinta). That reminds me – don’t let your kids watch that SM scene – unless you want to answer embarrassing questions.

When this routine fails(I suspect darkly that they always knew it would), they chuck it all to the winds and instead jump into a fist crunchingly boring affair with each other.

They say ‘I love you’, sing a song in which they change about fifteen costumes and appear to float about in slow motion. It does not cross their mind to infuse passion in their extramarital affair. You see, they like to follow patterns.

All this while, their spouses take walks with each other and dance in nightclubs. Everything is hunky dory on the screen, though off screen you may have fallen asleep.

Just to rouse you from your pleasant slumber, Amitabh Bachchan who is about the only other tolerable actor apart from AB Jr. in that movie, dies. Just because he has seen Rani and SRK hug each other. Not that I blame him. Though he dies and is obviously relieved to get out of this movie, you have to still suffer these two confused souls making a mess out of their marriages, lives and this movie.

All I remembered in the end of this movie were some  real designer labels that all the four main characters wore. I also remembered some fake smiles(Preity) and some fake tears(Rani).

Preity Zinta looks cute as a button, smiles often and slaps SRK once. The rest of the time she walks around New York city looking adorable.

Rani Mukherjee looks as troubled with her ‘affair’ as she does with her ‘marriage’.(Out with the cliché, Rani – school teachers are not all plain Janes. Grow up!)

Shah rukh Khan tries to take out the frustrations of his entire life with his portrayal of this character who walks around snarling at everyone else and waving his fist menacingly in the air.

Abhishek Bachchan is really good.  He is the only saving grace – he smiles warmly and infuses a sense of feel-good factor in this movie. Even his tears do not look fake. He makes you believe that with actors like him around, all is not lost.

KANK is pretentious and fails to make a point.  It entertains sometimes – but often falls short.